Last week Kelly and I were talking about eleven years (!) of marriage and what the significant decisions and moments have been.
Kelly cited some decisions I made in the first five years to say 'no' to extra things that I would have otherwise liked to have done. This helped to build trust in huge ways with her. She was able to relax in my love because I was making decisions, important small decisions, that told her that I loved her.
Kelly pointed out that this is a great example of our 'no' meaning 'yes' and our 'yes' meaning 'no.'
Every time you say yes to doing anything, you are saying no to doing a thousand other things that you could do with that time. As someone who is a classic "move towards" person (see yesterday's post), I am generally inclined to say yes to anything cool that comes my way.
But by saying no to some of those things, I was saying yes to something else, in this case, my wife. This was especially hard when we didn't have any particular conflict. I had to learn the value of protecting our incidental time together.
Initially sometimes I said no just because I felt like I should. But as I practiced, saying no became a joy. I began to realize not only was it healthier for our marriage, it was also healthier for me personally.
I think recognizing that our "yes" means "no" and that our "no" means "yes" is important for those of us who have a tendency to over-commit...and sometimes neglect the things that are most important.
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