A smattering of thoughts from my first six weeks in sabbatical land:
*Sabbatical Unhooking. Perhaps it will come as some encouragement to my students who read this that it's been harder for me to mentally leave campus than I anticipated.
Some of this, of course, has to do with the challenges we had this fall--would've, could've, should'ves have plagued me at various (and sometimes surprising) times. A wise mentor told me it would take about a month to un-hook. That's been about right.
*Sabbatical, Interrupted. It's been a really choppy six weeks. Some of that is just the normal holiday travel and celebrations. Some of that is unusual circumstances: sickness, crisis, etc. But if there was going to be a really choppy month of sabbatical I'm glad it's been this first stretch--it may have in fact facilitated the unhooking process.
*Sabbatical Guilt. Over the past six weeks I've gotten word of several friends who have lost jobs. Losing your job always stinks, but it's obviously even more loaded during the holidays. So I've got friends who are jobless and wondering what's next and here I am, slacking.
Of course, the response to this is that there is always some reason why it's not a good time to be on sabbatical. This particular season it's a bad time because of the economy and some of my friends circumstances. But my clear sense is that this sabbatical is given to me by the Lord for for this time. The Lord has appointed me to have my own seasons of struggle, turmoil, conflict, sadness, victory and celebration. This is a season given to me to rest. It is not a gift that it would be wise to reject or to spend overly-much time feeling guilty about.
*Sabbatical Contemplation. When I first started Piebald Life, my explanation for the title was that it described this split in my inner-world. Part of me is dialed into people, leadership, programs, seeing God's people grow and communities develop and is driven (sometimes to a fault) towards what I consider to be successful ministry.
But another part that I have acquired and developed over the years is a contemplative side. The contemplative tradition in Christianity is devoted to long periods of silence, solitude, reflecting on God's character and beauty and power and worth and our own internal world along as it connects with the wonder and glory of God.
At this point in my life and ministry, I have no problems moving from "leader" mode into "contemplative" mode. In fact, there's a good bit of relief in the transition. Sometimes, I'm afraid, I enjoy the contemplative side because it involves two things that I find endlessly fascinating: God and myself. Clearly, an over-fascination with the latter is not a good thing. I need the Lord to help me from switching the order of those two things and to keep me from making the contemplative life an escape from serving or loving others. Perhaps, again, this is part of the gift of these first six weeks being so choppy.
*Sabbatical "Progress." Even in the midst of some interruption and not much of the rhythm I hoped, I have done what I wanted (and I think needed) to do during these first six weeks. I have unhooked. I have read Lord of the Rings. I have watched plenty of college football. I have spent some sweet hours at Starbucks and/or Panera with my Bible and journal. This first season of sabbatical is over--I have taken the deep breath that I needed.
The next stretch will be devoted to more directed soul-examination. And beyond that, to looking back over the past 13 years in ministry to see if a birds-eye-view of the patterns, opportunities, challenges and set-backs might bear the fruit in my soul of worship and understanding what God has done so that I might be more fully equipped to follow him more eagerly in the future.
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