Weekend Grab-Bag

A couple of quick things to blog about as the greater Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill area braces for a whopping 1-3" of snow later this afternoon...bread! milk! toilet paper! everyone! Us Southerners don't know what to do with snow. I mean, my father-in-law up in Cleveland gets 1-3" of snow a day...in June.

*First, foolish sports prognostications: Eli Manning is terrible in cold weather, and Green Bay will not be friendly to him. The Packers win easily tomorrow. New England continues it's ride to glory with a hard-fought win over the Chargers in similarly miserable conditions.

*Oh, and my Tar Heels will continue to win close games by beating a scrappy Maryland team this afternoon and retain the #1 ranking in the country.

*On a more serious note, memories of Jason Ray have been pretty frequent over the past several weeks for me. My last real interaction with him was at our leadership retreat last year (at the same retreat center where we went last weekend) and of course I'm seeing lots of Ramses the mascot around during basketball season.

Part of what made last year's incident emotionally complicated was that there were no charges filed on the driver of the vehicle. Many of us spent time praying for the driver who certainly must have been struggling with feelings of guilt.

But just yesterday news broke that the 52-year-old father covered for his 25-year-old son who was illegally driving on a suspended license. They both face multiple charges.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel about this, but my initial response is just that it makes a sad situation even sadder. I sort of want to be angry at the both of them. But then I wonder what I would do if it were my son driving and I was the father in the car with him?

Answering the Critics

In response the the Jason Ray story that was posted on ESPN's web site, someone wrote a fairly grumpy e-mail to the national office regarding us asking Jason to stop leading the Bible study in the bar. The basic gist of it was that Jesus hung out with all kinds of people, why were we making up dumb rules that aren't in the Bible? What kind of message does that send to people reading the article nationwide?

The folks from the national office forwarded it on to me, and I thought I'd post most of my response here--especially since many of you who read the blog are students and might have some of the same questions:

The folks doing the write-up obviously couldn't/didn't include all the nuances of what was involved with it--hopefully I can fill in some gaps and maybe you'll see why we asked Jason and his co-leader to not hold the Bible study in the bar.

Jason and his co-leader Isabel were leading an off-campus, co-ed, upper-classmen Bible study. Most all of our small group Bible studies are dorm-based at UNC. But we realized that as many juniors and most seniors move off-campus they have a hard time staying plugged into a small group community. So we decided to experiment with an off-campus small group targeted to reach out to/care for upper-classmen in our community with Jason and Isabel as the leaders.

InterVarsity has a national policy regarding alcohol at official IV events. As an inter-denominational campus ministry, we have students involved in our communities who have very different views on alcohol: everything from folks who had alcohol at the church picnics growing up to students who have never been in the presence of people drinking. In order to honor all of our students and the varying convictions regarding alcohol consumption, IV as a national organization mandates that no official IV event includes alcohol. This is based on Paul's word to the believers in Corinth that he would not eat meat sacrificed to idols (even though it was allowed) if it would cause a brother or sister to stumble (see 1 Cor. 8).

There were also a couple of other concerns:

We not only have students of varying convictions regarding alcohol, we also have students with varying experience regarding alcohol. Some of our students, again, have never had alcohol and never even been in the presence of someone drinking. Other students are seriously fighting alcohol addictions--alcohol is the drug of choice on the college campus. Again, in order to honor and care for the wide range of students and their experiences, having the Bible study in the bar was not a good idea.

Lastly, the purpose of the small group Bible study was to care for off-campus students. Many of the students who live off campus are juniors or even sophomores who are not yet 21. Therefore, by meeting in a bar the small group was in effect marginalizing many of the very students it was intended to serve.

To clarify a couple of things from the article:

1. Jason and Isabel did not want to meet at a bar as a regular event. They had a regular meeting spot where they did their Bible study and moved it to the bar one or two times before they talked to me about it.

2. The tone and dynamic of the conversation that I had with Jason and Isabel was mostly playful and gracious and fun. They came to me sort of sheepishly and said that they had met at a bar for small group a couple of times. I said, "that may not be the best idea" and then outlined the reasons stated above. It was not that the "power structure" came down on them and squashed their fun. We had a good, fun but serious conversation about it, they totally understood, and we went from there.

3. If Jason had wanted to do a Bible study on his own with some folks from campus or people he met at a bar or whatever, I would have been all about it. This is not about alcohol per se but about the context and the specifics of the situation (an official IV small group and the students that we were trying to serve).

Lastly, I encouraged Jason and Isabel to not have the Bible study at the bar but rather at a neutral site. And I said that if people over 21 wanted to go out afterwards and hang out, do whatever, and if they could do that in such a way that it honored everyone in the group and not cause other folks to stumble or struggle, I said I thought that would be a great idea. My guess is that if that got picked up on ESPN, I'd be getting angry e-mails from people on the other side of this issue!

I hope that this might be helpful in clarifying the issues surrounding alcohol and Jason's small group specifically. You might still not agree with what we did, which is cool. But I hope that you'd be willing to give me/us enough grace to understand it.

I had a great relationship with Jason, his life and death have touched me and so many in our community deeply--and his story and his faith is being talked about on national t.v. to lots and lots of people. I pray that the Lord might continue to redeem this tragedy for his glory to bless many, many people.

With Peace,
Alex Kirk

Jason Ray on ESPN Tuesday Night

Many of you who are sports fans or who have been P.L. readers since this past spring may remember Jason Ray, the UNC InterVarsity student who was hit by a car and later died last spring while traveling with the basketball team.

Tuesday night, ESPN is launching a new show called "E:60"--it looks to be a news-magazine type show. They're doing a major piece on Jason Ray's life and death and how his organ donation saved a life. You can get a feel for it by going clicking here.

The article is very well done and definitely talks prominently and positively about Jason's faith. InterVarsity gets a little shout-out--although it makes me sound like a bad guy (without mentioning me by name) for asking Jason and his co-leader to not have their upper-classmen off-campus small group meet in a bar! For the record, I encouraged him to have the Bible study on "neutral ground" and then feel free to enjoy beverages responsibly with anyone over 21 who might care to partake of such beverages.

At any rate, it sounds like it might be worth checking out.

Final Good-Byes

The campus hosted a memorial service and celebration of Jason Ray's life late this afternoon. Afterwards I was able to meet Jason's dad and hand him several poster boards of prayers that students had written-up at our prayer meeting for him the Sunday after he was hit. His dad clutched them with great joy, describing how meaningful it had been for him to hear how much his son was loved.

Being a dad now myself, I can resonate with this a little bit. If want me to like you, just tell me how much you like my kids.

I'm encouraged by how my students have worked through all this these past couple weeks. Thanks, too, for so many of your prayers. If you're interested, you can donate to the Jason Kendall Ray Memorial Fund via his home church:

Jason Kendall Ray Memorial Fund,
c/o Concord Christian Church
3101 Davidson Highway
Concord, NC 28027

Any questions, please call the church office at 704-788-6315

Late last week we got word about another student that won't get the same type of press but could definitely use your prayers.

Christy Smith was a student involved with IV at UNC for the past couple years. She took off this fall to go to China with YWAM and then was working at Windy Gap, a Young Life camp outside Asheville, NC. She was thrown from a horse last week, hit her head on a post and then hit the ground hard. She's in a coma in Asheville and has had some brain swelling. Doctors are cautiously hopeful that she'll make it, but it could be a long, long, long road to recovery--perhaps a year or more before she'll be able to function independently.

Since she'd been gone for a little while and was a quieter person, this is hitting a smaller portion of my students, but it's still tough. I'd love your prayers for us as we continue to slug through bad/hard news...

Sowing with Tears

Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy. (Psalm 126:5)

It was two weeks ago on Friday that we got the news that Jason Ray had been hit. A group of about eight students and four staff were sitting together doing leadership selection that was planned to go Friday night and all day Saturday. When we got the news Friday night, we immediately stopped, prayed, and called it a night.

The next morning I was praying and wondering and thinking: what the heck do we do now? I knew that leadership selection could easily go from 9 a.m. until 1 or 2 in the morning. Then the Lord brought to mind this passage and a sermonette I once read by John Piper

There are times in our lives when the tears just won't stop coming. And sometimes that means that we absolutely must stop, take some time, regroup, allow the pain to be processed. But sometimes there's work that must be done, and the tears just have to come with us. And so we have to simply say, "okay, tears, this day's work will be done with you." Sometimes the tears are co-mingled with our work, and that's just the way it has to be.

The Psalmist is writing this about the time of Babylonian captivity in this particular psalm. He writes to celebrate the faithful Israelites who did what needed to be done even while they were in captivity.

Sometimes we're in seasons of mourning, of captivity. It's just how it is. There are times to step back and mourn that, but there are also times where, really, we just need to suck it up and do what must be done, even with tears. Of course we see that perfectly done with Jesus this weekend in Gethsemane. And we do so leaning into the hope that there's reaping on the other side, and that reaping is profoundly and uniquely joy-filled.

And so two weeks ago, we sowed while we wept. I was proud of my students and the promise of reaping with songs of joy was realized as we wrapped up at 1 a.m. on Saturday night/Sunday morning with over 80 leaders set in place to serve for next year.

Two Large Crowds

The convergence of both Jason Ray's death and Easter this weekend has prompted me to reflect again on this Scripture story from Luke 7:

11Soon afterward, Jesus went to a town called Nain, and his disciples and a large crowd went along with him. 12As he approached the town gate, a dead person was being carried out—the only son of his mother, and she was a widow. And a large crowd from the town was with her. 13When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, "Don't cry."

14Then he went up and touched the coffin, and those carrying it stood still. He said, "Young man, I say to you, get up!" 15The dead man sat up and began to talk, and Jesus gave him back to his mother.

16They were all filled with awe and praised God. "A great prophet has appeared among us," they said. "God has come to help his people." 17This news about Jesus spread throughout Judea and the surrounding country.

This is a slightly revised version of a poem I wrote in response to that Scripture passage that I posted back in the fall...

Two Large Crowds

Two large crowds converged the other day
just outside of Nain
Each with a Lord in the lead.

The Un-Maker had long ruled in that country
since the day of the Great and Terrible Exchange
the day the Icons cracked under the weight of pleasing to the eyes lies.

The Again-Maker was a young upstart contender
or so it seemed to the Orphans in the Land of the Ruins

Each Lord a singular point
a large crowd in His wake.
The Un-Maker wake: Heavy. Weeping. Mourning. Loss. Somber. Dreamless.
The Again-Maker wake: Jostling Glad Eager Expectant Hope-filled Laughter
Each person bore the fruit of life lived in its' leader's wake
(Every one is found in one wake or the other.)

The Un-Maker. The Again-Maker.
Only one can have the final word
one must
submit
as these two crowds converge

The Again-Maker had won small skirmishes with His Yes
But Death--
The Un-Maker's greatest No--
Had never been beaten.

Ever.

Yes or No?
Is Life, History, Creation
a tragedy or a comedy?
Weeping or Laughter?
Death or Life?

The Un-Maker who had widowed her before
now struck her childless
And all those with her
cracked and crumbled under the weight
of the rule of the Un-Maker

The widow and her coffin meet the Again-Maker:
Compassion.
The Again-Maker touches the No
that had ruined all his masterpiece
And all is tensesilencestopped

Living Words:
"I say to you, get up!"
And the son
is given back
to the one
from whom he came

Just as He would do
in his again-making re-gathering of all creation
When this Son also rises.

Joy swallows mourning.
Life swallows death.
Yes triumphs over no.

Hope Wins.

Two large crowds converged the other day
Just outside of Nain.

"So...How was the Funeral?"

Lots of folks tried to ask me about the funeral at church and elsewhere over the weekend. I mean, what do you say, "How was the funeral?" It sounds kind of trite, really.

But in answer to the awkward question, the funeral was about as good as a funeral can get. The Lord was worshipped and Jason was remembered, and not the other way around. I hope that my own funeral might find this formula as well as Saturday's did.

News reported that a couple thousand people came for the wake on Friday night--for six hours people came to pay their respects and say good-bye. I just went for the funeral, they said about a thousand were there for that.

It was good for me to be there. I made some good contacts with students that I'd been thinking about and praying for that I hadn't seen yet. It's funny, too, how the social dynamics change in a situation like that. Students that might have avoided me in other contexts because they've basically disappeared from InterVarsity over the course of the year came and sought me out, were eager just to make contact and hug and say hello. A few of them I'm eager to follow-up with to make sure that they're processing things okay, healing in the aftermath of all of this.

It was good to say good-bye to Jason. I only teared up a couple times. Once when the parents came in. The second time was when his brother (about 20 years his elder) shared on behalf of the family. He looked so much like Jason, and sounded so much like him, it just brought back lots of memories.

Palm Sunday at church we sang lots of songs with "heavenly" images. I found myself weeping again, but I think joyfully this time. Joyfully, and exhaustedly, probably.

The Maiden Voyage

Last night's large group went very well. Thanks for your prayers.

Tomorrow morning I'll pull behind Ehringhaus dorm on campus at around 8:30 a.m. I'll pick up Joe and Kevin, two outstanding sophomore guys in our fellowship, and we'll make the two-hour trip to Concord, NC, for Jason Ray's funeral.

Perhaps after eleven years of campus ministry the surprise should be that this is my first funeral, but it's hard to think of it that way.

Joe and Kevin were freshmen last year in Jason Ray's small group Bible study in Ehringhuas. J-Ray and Brian co-led "that" freshmen guy's small group. Every year there seems to be one guys small group that is the powder-keg of quality male leaders that will fuel the chapter for their next four years.

Joe and Kevin were in "that" small group last year. This year they're leading "that" small group with a bunch of their freshmen guys stepping onto leadership next year in several different capacities.

I was scrolling through my cell-phone last night before large group, looking for someone to give a last-minute testimony about a big year-end conference that we're recruiting students to sign up for. I didn't even know that I had it, but there was J-Ray's cell phone number. Do I delete it? I considered for a moment and decided not yet. It felt too permanent or something.

Psychologists say that funerals provide all-important closure. And of course, I'm glad for that for me and for my students. But in another way, of course, I'm glad to say that Jason's legacy will continue for several more student generations, through leadership of many more "that" guy's small groups, long after tomorrow.

Making Room For Grief and Easter

I am a constipated griever.

Historically, I either grieve something well after the fact or never quite figure out how to do so. This in spite of the fact that I'm an "F" (for Feeling, versus Thinking) on my Myers-Briggs. I've definitely grieved this week. But I'm doing so primarily as a dad, thinking about how the parents must feel to lose their little boy as I look at my little boy. If this had happened five years ago, I'd probably just be in "go" mode.

A big part of my job this week is to free students up to grieve however they might be inclined to do so. I'm constantly surprised by who's deeply affected (and who's not) by tragedy. Some of my students feel like they should be feeling more than they are. Others are deeply disturbed and they barely knew the guy. For some of them, it won't hit them for another week or two or three.

College is a strange time relationally. You can make your best friend for life in one semester. Other people pass through your life, are significant for a time, and then they pass on to other circles of friends. Jason had tons of friends. He knew a zillion people. He was a senior, getting ready to move on. Many had already more or less "said good-bye" to him as they have to so many other second-semester seniors as they prepare to leave.

It's interesting doing grief counseling in the midst of this, or at least to think about doing grief counseling. I was e-mailing a friend yesterday and confessed that I was exhausted physically and emotionally, but all that I had done was deal with logistics (if I watched the local news, I might know who these people are who are calling my cell phone and could at least feel cool) and grieve personally.

Thursday night we're doing our second large group in preparation for Easter: the resurrection. We asked our original speaker to bow out so that we could invite a local pastor to come speak, Scott Vermillion, who had my position before me and who knew Jason very well.

My prayer is that the hope of Easter really will be clear--that we'll make room for Easter in the midst of this immediate, urgent, felt need. My hope is that Easter will be center-stage, the Big Story, and that we'll understand Jason's story in light of that, understand all our stories in light of that. And that as we do so, we'll leave lots of room for people to be wherever they are, wherever they need to be, in processing all the events of the past five days.

Moving Past Cliches

One of the challenges of working with students in the aftermath of the death of a friend is trying to find words to say that speak genuine hope. It all too easily degenerates into cheap cliches, hallmark greeting card vapidity (is that a word?) that means absolutely nothing.

As we've been thinking and praying about how to handle it this week, particularly in our Thursday night weekly large group meeting, is to have Easter be the big Story that makes some sense out of this (littler) story. That forces us to use more substantive words as well as to be more humble in our understanding of what's gone on in the past week.

I've been thinking some about the need that we have to remind ourselves of what is true during times like these. Are we just trying to scream a fairy-tale over the thunderous noises of death? Are we just trying to make ourselves feel better? Or is it that we live this life as a free-fall. And every now and then, someone's parachute opens and their fall as we know it is over for them. And so we gather together, with that one now removed from our presence, and remind ourselves that, we, too, have parachutes. That these things actually work. That what is true is still true for us, even though someone else has passed beyond our understanding of what's going on.

Or is that just a dumb cliche analogy that I thought sounded good in the shower this morning but really sucks, just like most of the rest of them?

I'm grateful to the many of you who have personally e-mailed me or who have posted here on the blog. Thanks for speaking truth and doing a darn good job of avoiding the Precious Moments trinket theological cliches (like the one that I just posted).

I'm also extremely proud of my students who are working to process this as well as serve fellow students who are sometimes in more dire straits than they are.

He's Gone...

Jason Ray passed away this morning.

I had gotten the word last night that they were going to take him off life
support at around 8:00 a.m. At 7:45 this morning I was cutting up bananas
for my kids, wondering how in the world I would handle it if I had to make
that kind of decision for one of them. And I wept, and I wept.

Please continue to be in prayer for the family and for the campus and for
our community. We are praying for Easter to be particularly alive in light
of this event. Either He is alive, and so is Jason, or all is fruitless,
empty, just a random SUV hitting a random person on the side of the road.

Either Hope Wins, or all is lost. And right now, for most of today's
minutes, I've been able to hold onto the reality that Hope Wins.

Quick Update

Hey All,

Jason has made some very small but hopeful steps in the past day or so.
We're hosting a night of worship and prayer on his behalf tonight at 8:00 in
Hanes Art Center for those of you who are students who haven't gotten the
word yet and would like to come. Please continue to pray for Jason, his
family, the doctors, the students as they process this together and for me
to have wisdom as I work through this myself and help my students to do so
as well.

Thanks for your prayers,
Alex

Urgent UNC IV Prayer Request

Hello, family and friends,

Those of you who watched the UNC basketball game last night may have heard
the announcers talking about a student, Jason Ray, who was on the
cheerleading team who had been hit by a car and was in critical condition.
Jason is a senior who has been heavily involved in InterVarsity since his
freshmen year and is a dearly beloved part of our community. The latest
news last night was that he was completely on life support and they were
awaiting the arrival of family before making any decisions about what to do
next.

Clearly, this is devastating news to many in our community and to the
broader campus community as well. Jason is a quality human being with tons
of gifts and talents and he has many friends in many different parts of
campus.

Please pray for our community as we process this event, pray for his family,
pray for me as today we are supposed to be in the middle of a day-long
process of selecting leaders for the fall and I'm not sure that any of us
are in a good place emotionally to make clear decisions.

Thanks for your love and prayers,
Alex