"Ahh, paradox! That Unsightly Guidepost of Truth."

Last week's posts on Fatherhood prompted an extremely thoughtful student to e-mail me regarding her own process with her family. She has graciously agreed to allow me to post some of our exchange. I think her articulation of her struggles is particularly clear and the questions she struggles with are familiar to many. For the sake of brevity, I'll post my response tomorrow.

Growing up with two parents who were both deeply hurt by their own dysfunctional upbringing I acquired the notion that what my grandparents did to my parents was wrong and deeply evil. I also thought that anything healthy or positive in their lives now was in spite of, not because of, the influence of their parents.

When my own parents separated and the problems in my family began to surface I labeled our family as dysfunctional too. To me that meant that I had been wronged and cheated out of what a child is supposed to have. It also meant that while I should be grateful that my parents weren't as bad and their parents, I had been damaged by their muck.

But, then something you wrote challenged me. You said that all families are dysfunctional in some way or to some degree. The idea that all parents hurt their kids (in other words, learning from yet another angle that nobody's perfect) prompted me to rethink that black and white yardstick I'd been using.

When I'm honest, I realize that my parent's influence has been responsible for shaping my life in many more positive ways than negative ones. If I accept that, then even though my home is not whole, broken isn't an accurate description either. Now, I can't be a miffed kid with a chip on my shoulder; gratitude is the justified response (something I think my mom has been begging me to realize for years).

And yet, my parents have hurt me, and I bear some of the consequences of generations of wrong-doing. Ahh, paradox! That unsightly guidepost of truth.

My question now is what does this mean? If all families are inevitably flawed, then why start one? Is there any hope there? Where is the line between normal disfunction and truly screwing someone up? And is there such a line or is it all shades of grey?