A couple of weeks ago I was talking with a friend who had read a book about parenting. This author's axe to grind (all parenting books have at least one, sometimes multiple axes to grind) was that we're over-coddling our kids. They're not good at everything, why do we tell them that they are?
I'm inclined to agree.
Last weekend we wrapped up Zoe's under-four soccer league (go, Bullfrogs). We hosted a post-last-game brunch and Kelly picked up some little wooden frog picture frames for the kids and had their soccer picture in the frame. One dad commented that this hit the right note for a year-end celebration.
"I don't like it when all the kids get trophies," he said, "Growing up you got a trophy for actually winning something, not just for showing up."
I think that helping my kids come to terms with their limits and in-abilities is as important as encouraging them to discover their strengths and what they are good at. Embracing the inherent limitations of being human is a part of being a healthy human.
And it's crucial for the spiritual life. Apart from understanding the fundamental reality of our incompleteness, we will attempt to live in the illusion that we can be like God--the original lie spoken to our original parents.
My natural bent is towards super-encouragement. I'm not critical by nature--at least not in terms of what I vocalize. So perhaps this is simply about a healthy correction in my own temperament. And perhaps those of you who find it harder to express something positive need correction in the other direction.
But I think that calling us out as a culture on the cultural norm of lying to our kids about their super-human-ness might be needed. Learning to strike that right balance of affirmation and explaining "harsh realities" probably varies among your personality and what kind of kid you have...and is (like most things) a process.
So I'll be thinking on this during the winter as my soccer coach's whistle takes a rest for a few months. And I'm hoping that the Bullfrogs will re-gather next spring for another epic run at leap-frogging over the competition.
I'll just try not to talk it up too much.
1 comment:
Alex, I LOVE YOUR PARENTING POSTS!! Oh what am I saying, I love most of your posts. This one gets at something I've been pondering recently. How do I parent my kids to be in need of the cross? I feel like a lot of my parenting is secretly rooted in wanted my kids to be well behaved, mannerly, obedient. Those aren't bad, but when I see students who are wrapped up in performance, when I am so wrapped up on performance,I wonder if there is not a better way for me to talk about obedience with my kids...obedience wrapped up in our desperation for Christ. Anyway, this idea of limitations and super-humanness, I think is deepening my thoughts on parenting toward the cross.
Thanks friend.
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