I realized yesterday morning that I cuss a whole lot more than I used to.
It's pretty light cussing, really. The 'd' word mostly, occasionally the 'h' word. And it's mostly internal or really low under my breath so the kids don't hear it.
I'd really like to blame my kids for it. Two and a half years ago I averaged probably about an hour more sleep than I do now, I had forty-five minutes to an hour each day to be with the Lord first thing in the morning, I seldom if ever tripped over the same plastic toy five times in fifteen minutes, and my handling of human waste (both solid and liquid) was non-existent.
My life has fewer margins and more stresses. And so I find myself frustrated, frazzled, and stressed out much more often. The prosecution rests.
But yesterday morning, as I thought about my new-found cussing hobby, the Lord invited me to press through the symptoms to the root of the problem. My kids are not the problem. The problem is I'm a control freak--especially when it comes to my time. Having kids has simply made it harder for me to control my environment, to make decisions on my own terms, or to be independent in my comings and goings.
Last Monday I posted a rant about Zoe's sleep and asking God why he wouldn't let her and us sleep. Yesterday I began to realize that what's going on here is much bigger than sleep. It's about fault lines in my character. God, in his inexorable love, continues to bless me with circumstances that expose my grasping for control that I might realize the futility of it in all areas of my life and repent.
Circumstances do not create issues; circumstances simply reveal sin issues latent in our hearts. If Zoe has to wake up fifteen times a night for me to be free of my addiction towards control, then God in his infinite and patient mercy will give me that blessing. My tendency is to kick against the goads, but I'm beginning to take deeper breaths--
As I was typing that last sentence, I got called away for an emergency search for Thomas the Train and a paci for Davis. Gotta' go.
3 comments:
You know, until you wrote the words "human waste," I'd only thought about it in terms of, "poo-poo," and "pee-pee."
"Human waste" sounds so much more terrible & gross.
I'm sticking with poo-poo & pee-pee.
To the extent that either of them stick with me is an entirely different matter.
C'mon, Alex, EVERYONE knows that God NEVER gives you more than you can handle. That's just crazy talk to suggest that He might overload you to root out your sin and controlling flesh.
PS If you want to fix this, remember that in the Bible it says that God helps those thow help themselves.
That's "who" help themselves
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