The Problem of Conflating Forgiveness, Reconciliation, Restoration

In season two, episode six of Netflix's hit t.v. show "The Crown," Queen Elizabeth wrestled deeply with whether it was her "Christian duty" to forgive her ne'er-do-well uncle by giving him a position in her government--Billy Graham even makes an appearance to offer his wisdom.

There's confusion here that I think is pretty common: forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration are three distinct things. This leaves room for us to do the crucial soul-cleansing work of forgiveness while keeping healthy boundaries.

For some of us who are Jesus-followers, conflating all three together has kept us from engaging in the work that we're required to do (forgiveness) because we assume doing that work includes doing the other two things as well.  Thankfully, it doesn't.

Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the emotional and spiritual work that is, indeed, the required work of those of us who follow Jesus.

But forgiveness does not require the other person's participation.  Some of us need to forgive someone who is dead and gone. Some of us need to forgive people that we need to keep far away from us for our emotional or physical safety.

Jesus forgives us. And then we in turn forgive as we have been forgiven (and sometimes it's a long, long process) regardless of the merit or contrition of the offending party. The 'location' of this work is largely internal, spiritual, and psychological. Of course, a public expression of some sort often helps us to seal the work, but it's not essential to the process.

And, of course, centuries of spiritual wisdom have been confirmed by nearly every modern psychological study: forgiveness is life, un-forgiveness is death.  Dallas Willard: "Jesus isn't just nice. He's brilliant."

Reconciliation
Reconciliation is the personal relational re-connection which isn't always wise or possible. Perhaps the person is narcissistic, abusive, totally unrepentant or (again) simply no longer with us. We must forgive, but we do so without giving unhealthy people entree into our lives again.

Jesus is always biased towards reconciliation, but he regularly had broken, un-reconciled relationships with the religious leaders of his day.  He could forgive them (ultimately on the cross) without being reconciled to them.

Restoration
Whereas reconciliation is personal and relational, restoration is entrusting or re-positioning the person into an equivalent place of responsibility or authority.  Again, this may or may not be wise or possible.

So you might forgive the cousin that you hired who stole money from your company, you might even enjoy his company at the family reunion (reconciliation) but you might not give him his old job back.  That would be the final step of restoration that is reserved, again, for those who have put some intentional energy into the work of repair, repentance, renewal, making amends, and addressing wrongs done.

Given her uncle's rather smug and self-important disposition, Queen Elizabeth would be much better served doing the important internal work of forgiveness, perhaps beginning steps towards reconciliation (not that he was especially interested), but in no way should she give him a position in her government.  This is actually the conclusion that she comes to, but she feels guilty about it.

Keeping forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration separate frees us to do the essential soul-work of forgiveness while maintaining healthy, wise, reasonable boundaries required for navigating a world full of broken people.