So I've delighted in World Cup soccer as much or more than the average American over the past several days. But one moment crystallized for me why soccer will never get traction in the average American heart.
I was tuning in to a late-afternoon game. The horns were blowing happily (you either love those things or you hate them, I personally find them delightful). The commentator had a cool British accent. And he was preparing us for the game to come.
As he did so, he referenced the game that had just concluded: "If you missed the earlier game, it was a thrilling 1-1 tie."
Stop it right there. In American English the words "thrilling" and "tie" do not belong in the same paragraph, much less the same sentence. An American football coach once said that getting a tie is like kissing your sister. He spoke on behalf of Americans everywhere.
Americans hate ties. It's why hockey ratings are just below the QVC Home Shopping Network.
Americans need clarity: one winner, one loser. It's why we invented the Hummer.
Before the Hummer, it was unclear which road vehicle would crush the other in a WWF-style cage-match. Hummer invented, case closed. Ninety-percent of Americans slept much better once the Hummer was safely on the road--the rest of them were worried about small things like fossil-fuel consumption and ozone depletion. Silly tree-huggers.
And so, until soccer can figure out a way to move beyond "thrilling ties" it will remain a quaint after-thought....no amount of horn-blowing or cool British accents can overcome that feeling of kissing one's sister.
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