Finding our Way Through the Paradox

I'll try to offer some thoughts, know that these are still a little raw and in process--as I parent, I'm learning what it means to deal with my own baggage I'm bringing into this.

Here they are, in no particular order:

1. I think that reflecting on your own family brokenness is crucial to coming to terms with it. I wouldn’t give up on the word "broken" entirely, unless it has too much baggage for you. The truth of the matter is, all parents sin against their kids. Some do so unknowingly or unwittingly, but they all do it. This does, indeed, do damage to the children. To attempt to downplay that damage or excuse it does not actually deal with the problem.

Jesus does not excuse our sin. He forgives it. And he does so at great cost to himself. Forgiving and excusing are not the same thing. And so we are called to this much greater act of forgiveness always, but especially in relation to our families. This means calling sin what it is (sin), looking at it dead in the eye, and then saying, "I forgive you." Which you'll probably have to do two million times before you die, but that's just how much of life is, isn't it? Process. And some things you'll only have to forgive once and other things you'll have to forgive thousands of times. But it's not excusing, it is a real forgiveness.

The chip on your shoulder is removed through the process of genuine forgiveness. Jesus redeems all of humanity and all of our life experiences submitted to the canopy of his grace must ultimately serve to bless us. Including the sin of your parents against you. Including how you've sinned in response by becoming self-righteous and occasionally arrogant towards them. Your submission to the canopy of Jesus' grace most likely starts with calling both you and your parents sin real sin and then beginning the process of asking for forgiveness and extending it ('forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us...or at least as we try to do so!').

2. I agree with you that gratitude is needed in the areas where it is required. But gratitude is a feeling, generally spontaneously generated, in response to something done that we appreciate. It might take some work to get there, but you can at least begin to recognize, as you said, the areas where you were blessed by your parents. But this is not about making a list of "good things" and "bad things" and trying overly-hard to make the "good things" list longer than the bad things so you feel bad about being angry or get over your chip on your shoulder.

3. You're great questions regarding starting your own family: I think that apart from the hope we have in the redemptive power of Christ, no, there is no hope; just endless cycles of repeated sin patterns. But in Christ, we have the power to break those cycles and to genuinely bless our families.

The place where that starts for me is recognizing that I will sin against my kids and being very quick to ask for their forgiveness where I go wrong. My parents actually did this and I'm grateful for it. My wife and I joke that we're starting two savings funds: the college fund and the counseling fund. We know that they'll probably need both! So we try to have good communication with one another about how we're raising our own kids and as they get older, we'll be having that conversation with them as well.

In this case, it's not only a hopeful scenario but a powerful one. We work out the real gospel in real time in our family life every day: sin, asking for forgiveness, receiving forgiveness, reconciliation, the joy of fellowship together that keeps short accounts and walks in and extends grace to one another in radical and in recklessly regular ways.